Welcome to another edition of How to (do anything)! In today’s lesson, we will be learning the fine art of getting bit by your own dog and cultivating the full effects of the bleeding wounds and subsequent bruising.

SKILL LEVEL: EASY

You will need:

One 15 pound dog.
For optimal results, select a male dog. Preferably one that failed puppy kindergarten.

Instructions:

STEP ONE: Walk your dog in a crowded public place. Wait for a large dog to approach.

STEP TWO: When your dog challenges the larger dog to a fight, put your knee up as a barrier to block your dog from sinking his teeth into the larger dog.

STEP THREE: Once your dog’s teeth have made contact with your skin, you have successfully been bit by your own dog. Congratulations! Relish the feeling of success.

NOTE: It may take up to 48 hours for the blood resulting in the ruptured capillaries to collect and begin metabolizing in order to manifest their full effect:

Once your dog bite has metabolized to the desired shades of yellow, red, purple and black, display your battle would with pride.

Bruising will last a couple weeks; the wound will last much longer. Repeat steps 1 and 2 as often as needed.

Happy bruising!

xoxo,
chanel

Step 1: Eat a banana.
Step 2: Leave half of it lying around in your room.
Step 2: Wait.

To quote a modified version of famous line from a (presumably) famous movie I’ve never watched: “If you leave it, they will come.”

Because the steps to breeding fruit flies are so simple and self-explanatory, I will now take the remainder of this time to answer some letters I’ve received from my readers:

Dear Chanel,

I want more than just a couple fruit flies. What should I do?

- LonelyGirl

Dear LonelyGirl,

Follow this simple mathematical formula:

# of fruit flies = length of time fruit is left out

I followed this formula by leaving an open ziplock bag of fruit somewhere in my room for several days and ended up with approximately 80,000 fruit flies. Trust the formula; it really works.

Good luck!
Chanel

Dear Chanel,

I made lunch, ate half of it and forgot the rest in my bedroom. When I came home, I had several hundred fruit flies in my room. It is now nearing nightfall and I need to go to bed. Where will they all sleep?

- Worried

Dear Worried,

Not to worry. When I was breeding fruit flies in my bedroom, I found that I did not have to worry about where they would sleep at night as they found themselves quite comfortable perched everywhere from the paintings on my walls to the clothing hanging in my closet. Just make sure you sleep with your mouth closed.

With love,
Chanel

Dear Chanel,

My husband is not as excited about breeding fruit flies in our bedroom as I am. How can I convince him this is a good idea?

- ThinkingOfTwo

Dear ThinkingOfTwo,

I’m sorry your husband does not share your enthusiasm. While fruit fly breeding is primarily a single girl activity, you can still do it while married. Simply explain to him that relationships are all about compromise and that this is something you really want to do.

If all else fails, remember that “fruit fly breeding” can be used interchangeably with “science project”. I used this line on my mother when I was breeding fruit flies in my bedroom and it worked marvelously: Not only was I able to breed a legion of fruit flies in my own bedroom, but they soon started spreading to the rest of the house. Who would have guessed fruit flies enjoy soap bars so much?

Best of luck,
Chanel

P.S. Here’s a photo I took of two happy fruit flies chilling out on my desk:

Happy breeding!

Guess who’s back!

Today, Jane* is going to show you how to hack Google Voice to work with your Canadian phone number(s). If you are Canadian and you know people outside of your local calling area, these four simple steps could save you hundreds of dollars in long distance charges every year. Curious? Read on.

What is this?

A hack that will enable you to place calls from your local calling area to anywhere in Canada and the U.S. for free. Additionally, you will be given a free U.S. number that your U.S. contacts can call, free of charge, that will connect them to your Canadian number. In other words: Free long distance calling to any number in North America.

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