Of hot weather, outdoor weddings and inappropriately placed mosquito bites (now with survival tips!)
I don’t know what it’s like in the rest of the world, but the last two days in Vancouver have been absolutely brutal, temperature-wise. Most locals around here have spent the majority of June whining about the lack of summer and then all of a sudden, SHAZAAM!, 100 degree weather two days in a row.
Well. Let me be the first person to tell you that I hope it rains as soon as possible, because this face-melting heat is HELL. As far as I know, Canadian homes this side of the country aren’t even equipped with air conditioner—which means a whole lot of fans, cold showers, running through sprinklers and sprawling out in dark, cold places are employed as heat-diffusing techniques.
C’MON NOW. If I wanted to live in an oven, I’d move to the south. I’m a 60 degrees sunny day kind of girl. This is why I live in Vancouver. I love the rain, I love the sun, but I hate extreme cold and extreme heat. How about some moderation, weatherman?
According to our local newspaper, summer is the most dangerous time of year. After experiencing two full days of this said “summer”, I’m afraid I will have to agree—and since I feel especially fortunate to have survived the past few days, I feel that it is my duty as an upstanding citizen to share my newfound summer-surviving knowledge with the rest of the world. Behold:
The best video on the internet, period.
I don’t usually post things like this on here because what I write here is totally supposed to be all SERIOUS! and THOUGHT-PROVOKING!, but this video is just so many levels of awesome hilarity and pure GANGSTA that I just couldn’t resist.
Other worthy runner-ups:
- The Indian version of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”
- A Bollywood video from the 80s featuring Superman, Spiderman and GOD AWFUL “special effects”
This will probably get us shot
The other day a good friend and I were talking about terrorists, because you know, that subject totally comes up in all my conversations. RIGHT UP THERE WITH THE RISING COST OF OIL PRICES.
Brainwashing aside, don’t these guys ever question the situation they’ve found themselves in? Forget about the blowing up and killing part - they’re promised a certain number of virgins in the next life for “martyrdom”… Aren’t you going to ask for photos first?
After all, you may never know who you’re going to get…
Male friend:
Personally, I’d need to see their pictures firstMale friend:
Maybe like a myspaceChanel:
I wonder what would happen if one of them asked?Male friend:
Terrorist: “May I view a picture of one of my virgins before I strap these bombs on my back?”Chanel:
Muhammad: “Yes, you may” … *hands over a picture*Chanel:
Terrorist: “WTF DUDE, THAT’S MY SISTER!”
Welcome to the US and A, y’all!
I love America.
I’m not even sure if I can correctly articulate how much I adore American culture, but I suspect it’s because the US is so different from Canada. Everything is so surreal. They’re all so “GOD BLESS AMERICA!”, “SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!” and “WE LOVE TACO BELL!” … Just like in the movies or on CNN. (The different between the two, by the way? Not much.)
I know most people either have no opinion or a very strong opinion on America and American things, but I can’t help but fuss and giggle over nearly everything American. Like their accents. And their restaurants. And their food. And George W. Bush. I may not agree with everything, but it’s America. And being Canadian, you can’t help but marvel at how oddly different everything is.
Sort of like yesterday, when I asked the gas station attendant how to get back on the highway. After using the word “highway” to refer to the freeway (or is it interstate?) at least ten times in the span of about two minutes, he finally snapped:
“It’s the FREEWAY, ma’am. FREEWAY.”
My apologies. Back at home they call them big roads HIGHWAYS.
Chanel goes to Washington, meets Hillary Clinton
Impossible, you say? But I have picture proof!
As you can see, Hillary Clinton (along with other senators Barack Obama and John McCain, not pictured here) were at the Washington-Dulles Airport on Tuesday, promoting their new lines of presidential campaign clothing and paraphernalia. America Votes 2008!
(See: GROUP PHOTO)
More comic relief from my brother
Talking about a piece of gum that dropped on the floor:
“I’m going to go wash this.”
“Don’t wash it! It will only turn sticky.”
“I washed a cookie I dropped on the floor once…”
“Denzil, washing doesn’t help everything.”
“I know… that’s why I don’t take baths anymore.”
Now I understand how some americans can think we still live in igloos.
More reasons why I hate Alberta and never wish to go back:
- Sub zero temperatures during the winter months: i.e., spending the greater part of the last 72 hour weekend in -45 degree temperatures with WINDCHILL. Do you know what that means? It means that no matter what you wear and no matter where you are, you’re still cold.
- Bodily complications related with sub zero temperatures: frozen noses after being outside for 10 seconds, fingers that don’t work after 1 minute, frostbitten toes after 10 minutes, death after 20 minutes. Oh, and dare I forget the breathing problem? The air is so cold that my windpipe refuses to let it pass to my lungs: “Hmm, I see that Chanel is unwittingly attempting to kill herself by disguising liquid nitrogen as oxygen and hoping it passes to her lungs. REJECTED.”
- Did you know that salt doesn’t work as a de-icer after a certain temperature? Did you know that there are large metropolitan cities that live below that temperature cut-off for several weeks or months? ME NEITHER. They can call it whatever they want to to fool unwitting tourists, but I’ll tell you how it is: HELL. These places on earth aren’t “great ski locations” with “beautiful powder” or “incredibly scenic” - It’s a ploy the city comes up with to lure people into their death trap. BE YE NOT FOOLED.
It’s moments like these that make me proud to have him as a brother
9:30 pm, over instant noodles I just cooked for the two of us:
Me: “Denzil… Do you ever wish your butt was bigger?”
My brother: “Do you ever wish your butt was *smaller*?”
The first month: Things I’ve learned about owning a Mac
It’s been just roughly a month since I bought my Mac and officially became part of The Dark Side—Or, as my father would call it, the lonely and caffeinated club.
So far, so good. I haven’t brought my Mac anywhere near a trendy coffee shop, and amazingly enough, my social life has remained as fabulous as ever—But I have picked up a couple things in the last thirty-some days, and I’m here to impart my newfound knowledge.
Behold, things I have learned about owning a mac, in no particular order:
Mac users are lonely people
“I walked into Starbucks and they. were. everywhere.”
“They who?”
“The macs. Everyone was on a mac.”
Snorts. “They all had Macs?”
“Every single one. Their little apples were glowing and everything.”
“No Windows? Anywhere?”
“Well there was one blue-glowing Dell in the far corner…”
“But how can that be?!”
“They’re lonely people, those Mac users.”
“I hope you don’t turn out lonely.”
“Thanks, dad. Thanks.”
