A couple days ago, someone said something to me that crawled under my skin and stayed there.
They called me a bitch.
It was in passing, a flippant comment probably in reference to the way I had handled a situation I was describing at the time the comment was made, but it still stuck with me nonetheless. I have never been called a bitch to my face before, and the idea that I could possibly be something so hurtful nagged me all weekend long.
I would never, could never, want to hurt anyone. But when that person called me a bitch and followed it up with several other somewhat carelessly thought out comments, they hurt me. There. I said it outloud. It hurt.
This incident got me thinking about the things I say and the way I am to other people. The person who made that comment probably didn’t think too much of what they said, but it certainly affected me. Is it possible that I have said and could say things to people in my life that could have the same effect on them? Absolutely.
It’s terrifying.
I love to read celebrity gossip blogs; a lot of people do. But have you ever stopped to read the comments? Some of them are positively heartbreaking—or would be, if I were the person those commentors were ripping to shreds.
“Her thighs are too big!”, “She sounds like a 13 year old chain smoker!”, “She shows too many teeth when she smiles!”, “She’s self-obsessed!”, “She’s a little whore who sleeps with every guy she meets!” “She has zero talent and zero personality, how is this person even famous?”
And what about the hate mail and cruel comments non-celebrities like bloggers Heather Armstrong and Julia Allison receive?
“You’re self-obsessed! “You need to lose weight!” “You’re an irresponsible mother!” “You exploit your daughter for money!” “You should be back in a mental institution!” “You need to start acting your age!”
I just cringe to think how I would feel if someone said some of those things about me, either to my face, in an email to me, or even in the comments section of a website somewhere. I’m not going to lie: I don’t know how I would handle it. I’ve got a pretty healthy self-esteem, but I don’t know how any feeling person could sit through that and not feel shred to pieces. What about the people with a less-than-health self-esteem? I can’t even imagine what it would do to them.
Maybe that’s why so many people who are “out there” (think politicians, actors, musicians, artists, celebrities, writers, etc.) end up trainwrecking their life. Maybe they just can’t handle it anymore. Maybe they’re not all as strong, as invincible, as we all think those people are. Maybe that’s because they’re human, exactly like you and I, no matter what they do with their life.
Its one thing to have mean things said about you that you don’t believe to be true—but its quite another to have mean things said about you that you know could possibly be true to some extent. You can liken this to cutting open a wound that hasn’t healed yet—yeah, it hurts like a bitch.
Bitches generally know they’re bitches, and jerks generally know they’re jerks, even if they don’t act like they do. Nine times out of ten, calling them out on what they already know they are does nothing, or worse, it only drives them to act more like what you said you believe they are—but building up their redeeming qualities generally encourages more focus and effort on those redeeming qualities, ultimately making them a better person.
I never want to cause anyone pain. I don’t want to make the people who cross my path feel unattractive, uneducated or unworthy because of something I may have done or said. I want people to feel good about themselves when they’re around me, and after they’ve been with me. I want to make people feel wanted, needed, appreciated and special.
Most of all, I never want to make anyone feel the way I did when someone called me a bitch. Sometimes a cold wake up call is needed to kickstart retrospection, but 99.9% of the time there is a better way to wake a person up than by dumping a bucket of cold water on them while they’re out of it.
Stop. Think. Consider your words and your actions, and the effect they will have on the people around you. Does this really need to be said? Can you say it to their face? How would you feel if you were the other person on the receiving of it?
Be careful what you say. Be careful what you do.
Watch those sharp little words.
This blog really made me stop and ponder. Being an INFP (based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test) and an optimist (a great combination I must say :P), I’m a person who tries to make all parties in any situation have a positive outcome, although sometimes, sacrificing my own for their sake. And I try my best to take into consideration others’ feelings or reactions to what I say and do. It’s unfortunate, however, that there are those who seem to have a complete disregard for others’ feelings, and for the sake of the moment, say or do things they didn’t think through. People do need to stop and think. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Words are alive; cut them and they bleed.” Words are quite alive, and are powerful.
Reply: That’s so cool that you’re like that, Aldrin. :) While there is a balance between working for self-interest and the interest of others, I think you should never stop trying to make sure everyone (including yourself) has a positive outcome! Consideration for others is a powerful trait.
And thank you for sharing that quote! Very interesting.
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June 17th, 2009 at 1:27 amThis was so well written, Chanel… and it really had me thinking about my own words and actions (the whole point of it, wasn’t it? haha). I absolutely agree that commenters are way too harsh on those gossip blogs… and really, they come across looking so ridiculous and immature! I never, ever want to be that petty.
As far as the bitch comment goes, I know that had to hurt. When people blindside you with hurtful things, they tend to stick and sting even that much worse. It’s like, “Really? How long have you thought that about me?” and makes you all paranoid! I’ve so been there. My advice is to TRY to let it roll off your back (easier said than done). I don’t know you in person, but your internet self is one of the sweetest, most genuine people and I just adore reading the kind comments you leave. You can’t be that bad. :)
Reply: Yes it was! I always try to turn a life experience into a thinking experience, so I’m glad it got you thinking. :)
The bitch comment was made several days ago, and I’m pretty much over it (writing this was like therapy, actually – I felt so much better afterwards!) … but yeah, that’s the only thing you really CAN do, isn’t it? Sometimes it’s just a little hard for me though, because its ingrained in my nature to want to track that person down and ask them why they would say such a thing and how I could have handled it better next time. I’m a little nuts like that. :P
And thank you so much for your sweet words!
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June 17th, 2009 at 8:44 amVery well written, indeed. I got so much out of it. Thank you.
I’m much like you; little words cut me the deepest, even if it’s from a perfect stranger. I’ve gotten some really nasty comments on my blog, & it effected me deeply. But I just had to continue telling myself that that is precisely what this person wanted; he/she wanted to say something that made me upset, made me cry, made me doubt myself. When people say terrible things to you, remember that all they want from you is a REACTION of some sort. When you see it in that way, you’re not so quick to react, you know?
& I’m so sorry someone called you a bitch. :[
Reply: Thanks Ev’Yan. :) I’m glad you got something out of it! I was hoping I could turn one negative thing into a positive thing for someone else. :)
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to get nasty comments on your blog. Some of them are the kind you can probably brush off (the stupidly-cruel-and-badly-written-they’re-almost-funny kind) but some of them, I’m sure, are very much personal. It sucks that this is one of the “side effects” of putting your honest self out there – and you do that so well, it’s a shame anyone would want to saying cruel to you!
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June 17th, 2009 at 9:36 amI’m sorry your feelings were hurt, but this post of yours is marvelous.
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June 17th, 2009 at 10:49 am[...] – Chanel’s article on Sharp Little Words for those of us whose empathetic radar has been running a little [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 12:26 pmPeople often point out flaws in others that are their own.
If someone called you a bitch it may be because that’s what think think of themselves whether it is a conscious or subconscious thing depends on their self-awareness. :-P
You’re too nice (for your own good) and I can’t imagine you being even slightly bitchy. Don’t let it get to you, it’s not worth it.
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June 17th, 2009 at 2:59 pmI’ve always thought of myself as being super-sensitive and lacking completely in the realm of thick-skinnedness, so I’m always insanely careful about what I say. Nonetheless, I’m beginning to think that I’m rather thick-skinned. I care about what strangers say about me, but I don’t let their words change my perception of myself. The other day one of my co-workers told me that others (people who didn’t know me) thought of me as being rather unpleasant. My reaction was, “So? I don’t care.” People can think what they want, but I can’t allow their perceptions to change me. I wasn’t willing to start doing the wrong thing, so that they would perceive me as less “difficult” “bitchy” “trouble-making” or whatever. They were being nonsensical, trying to hurt me, and resulted to ad hominem attacks because they wanted me to cave and do something completely stupid and amoral.
I feel like the bigger you become, the more negative feedback you will receive. This sucks, it’s wrong, and people should stop… but if they don’t, we shouldn’t doubt ourselves. You’re not a bitch.
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June 18th, 2009 at 2:30 amThe only time I ever wanted to rip someone’s hair out was when my ex sister in law told my husband to leave me for her sister. You have no idea how badly I wanted to shove a pipe through her face. But yea I totally agree with you. When you’re called names and you’re not a bad person in any way, it’s painful.
But as far as celebs go, some of them do deserve some of the things people say about them. Not all comments. But some.
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June 18th, 2009 at 7:48 pmThat really sucks Chanel. I used to take it very personally when I heard anything negative that was said about me. It took me a long time to realize that picking out the flaws in others is human nature, and just because some people choose to focus on the negative, it doesn’t mean I have to as well. Think like a duck, let it roll off your shoulders ;-)
More people also need to realize that just because someone is confident in who they are and unwilling to sacrifice their own self-worth to make someone else happy, doesn’t make them selfish or a bitch. You’re not a bad person for not allowing people to walk all over you. You’re just smart!
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June 20th, 2009 at 2:57 pmi find it impressive that your first reaction isn’t to retaliate or judge or hate but to see if you are guilty of the same thing.
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June 23rd, 2009 at 10:59 am[...] I got called a bitch by someone for a situation I described to someone else, which made me question whether or not I did a bitchy thing (which broke my heart) and whether or not I do the same thing that person did to me, to other people (which broke my heart even more). [...]
June 24th, 2009 at 2:44 pmLogically, it should only hurt if the words come from someone who knows you and who you respect, but it doesn’t seem to work that way. Criticism from a stranger who knows nothing about you can really sting. And the worst part is that this person probably uses words like that on a regular basis and thought nothing of it.
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November 21st, 2009 at 9:07 am