When I was younger, my mother always used to tell me that malls were a dangerous place. “I know you think you know everything,” she’d said, “but there are drug dealers and pimps who hang around malls, and they are there looking for young girls like you. Didn’t you hear that story on the news about that girl who got picked up at a mall, kidnapped to a foreign country, brainwashed and sold into white slavery?”
Just recently, I’ve had a couple interesting experiences at the mall that made me realize mom may not have been totally off her rocker after all. So, because I’m sure there must be at least one person out there who is looking for someone to take a portion of her earnings (and I’m not talking about the government here, although the difference between the government and having a pimp – not much), here are five simple steps to getting yourself a pimp:
1. Go to the mall alone.
It has been said that there are safety in numbers. Pimps know this, which is why it is very important to shop at the mall alone, because if they see you with fifty of your girlfriends, they figure at least one of you will be smart enough to say no to a date invitation from a 35 year old russian man.
2. Don’t TRY to look like a special services performer.
You’d think this would be counterintuitive, but it’s not. The pimps are looking to diversify their portfolios—they’re tired of picking up the same old strung-out crackwhores from your city’s downtown street corners. Have you been to a local high school lately? Girls that look like streetwalkers are a dime a dozen these days. You need be more than that. (But not too much more, otherwise you’ll look like you’re beyond prostitution.)
3. Identify your pimp.
Back in the day, pimps were easy to spot. Like this:
Unfortunately, the fact that they were so damn pimp ended up being the pimp’s fashion demise.
All it took was one asshole’s suggestion at the Annual Halloween Costume Inventor’s Convention to ruin everything for your everyday hardworking neighborhood pimp. Eleven months later, Halloween superstores everywhere started selling cheap knockoffs of their signature outfits and state fairs started giving away their hats as prizes for shooting the right rubber ducky out of the water.
If you see some dude wearing this at the mall and it’s nowhere near Halloween, he isn’t your pimp. He’s probably a mental patient escapee. Do not approach.
Luckily for us, the sleezeballs of society never truly blend in with the masses:
(Just in case you doubt it, the recession has been hard on pimps too. This one can’t even afford pants anymore.)
These days, most pimps have chosen to evolve. But Chanel!, you say, How will ever I spot my pimp? Never fear. You might be able to take a pimp out of his pimp suit, but you can not take the pimp out of the man.
You’ll know when you see him. He’ll be at least 10, maybe 20 years older than you. The two of you will exchange glances. He’ll discreetly follow you through the mall, hoping to corner you. When he approaches you, he’ll open not with a compliment (as most creepy guys who follow you in malls do), but with a nonchalant, “Hey, how are you? I’m Andrew. Are you waiting for someone?”
4. Don’t act like you want it.
The key here is playing hard to get. Just like every other man on the planet, pimps like it when they have to work to get you. Sure, they’ve got a couple cracked out blonds working the street corners for them, but what they’re really interested in finding are sweet, naive high school girls1 who will shyly turn them down.
Go somewhere in the mall where you wouldn’t expect pimps to be and you’ll find them there. Your mall’s bookstore, for example, is the perfect place. Cracked out blondes don’t read, but sweet, naive, even just passably intelligent girls do. You’ll know it right away when you’ve found your pimp and caught his eye, but it is important—nay, VITAL—that you pretend like you’re not interested.
Listen to your iPod while you’re browsing books. The first time he waves or smiles, smile quickly and turn back to your book or magazine. After a couple minutes, move on to a different section of the bookstore. Your pimp will probably migrate to the coffee shop in the bookstore if he hasn’t already, because pimps aren’t really interested in books. He’ll choose a spot in the coffee shop where he can just barely keep an eye on you while you’re browsing. You may look around to spot him, and when you do, don’t smile this time. He will, but you must look mildly irritated. Keep moving.
5. Wait for him to come to you
Eventually, your pimp will be ready to close the deal. You’ll know when he’s ready because he’ll finish up his coffee (or cigarette, if the two of you are outside) and start looking like he means business. Look fascinated with whatever you’re doing—flipping through songs on your iPod, reading your magazine, texting, etc. He will interrupt you regardless of what’s taking your attention. Act like you didn’t see this coming.
First, he will ask you how you’re doing (we already covered this in point #3: how to identify your pimp). Then he will introduce himself and offer you a handshake. He’ll ask you out for something – coffee, drinks, whatever. You must turn the offer down. He’ll ask you for your number. Tell him you don’t give it out (this shows your loyalty, which will be important in the future when he becomes your pimp and other pimps try to recruit you away from him). He’ll then offer you his. You may take this if you want; this step is entirely optional. Finally, to seal the deal, he’ll ask you what you’re doing here, and if he can offer you a ride anywhere. That’s your foot in the door.
Congratulations! You’ve officially snagged yourself a pimp.
GIVE ME FEEDBACK: Did you try this out? How did it work for you?