When I was younger, my mother always used to tell me that malls were a dangerous place. “I know you think you know everything,” she’d said, “but there are drug dealers and pimps who hang around malls, and they are there looking for young girls like you. Didn’t you hear that story on the news about that girl who got picked up at a mall, kidnapped to a foreign country, brainwashed and sold into white slavery?”

Just recently, I’ve had a couple interesting experiences at the mall that made me realize mom may not have been totally off her rocker after all. So, because I’m sure there must be at least one person out there who is looking for someone to take a portion of her earnings (and I’m not talking about the government here, although the difference between the government and having a pimp – not much), here are five simple steps to getting yourself a pimp:

1. Go to the mall alone.

It has been said that there are safety in numbers. Pimps know this, which is why it is very important to shop at the mall alone, because if they see you with fifty of your girlfriends, they figure at least one of you will be smart enough to say no to a date invitation from a 35 year old russian man.

LOCALS’S TIP: In my experience, Metrotown has been an excellent place to pick up pimps. It’s not ghetto by any means, but considering that about five million high school girls swarm through there every day after school, it’s pretty much the ultimate pimp’s candy shop. Although, if you fancy risking your life and/or the chance of contracting herpes, anywhere in Surrey is a grand slam.

2. Don’t TRY to look like a special services performer.

You’d think this would be counterintuitive, but it’s not. The pimps are looking to diversify their portfolios—they’re tired of picking up the same old strung-out crackwhores from your city’s downtown street corners. Have you been to a local high school lately? Girls that look like streetwalkers are a dime a dozen these days. You need be more than that. (But not too much more, otherwise you’ll look like you’re beyond prostitution.)

TIP: Reading is sexy. Bookstores are the ultimate pimp pickup grounds, especially those with a Starbucks in them. Read on to find out why!

3. Identify your pimp.

Back in the day, pimps were easy to spot. Like this:

Unfortunately, the fact that they were so damn pimp ended up being the pimp’s fashion demise.

All it took was one asshole’s suggestion at the Annual Halloween Costume Inventor’s Convention to ruin everything for your everyday hardworking neighborhood pimp. Eleven months later, Halloween superstores everywhere started selling cheap knockoffs of their signature outfits and state fairs started giving away their hats as prizes for shooting the right rubber ducky out of the water.

If you see some dude wearing this at the mall and it’s nowhere near Halloween, he isn’t your pimp. He’s probably a mental patient escapee. Do not approach.

Luckily for us, the sleezeballs of society never truly blend in with the masses:

(Just in case you doubt it, the recession has been hard on pimps too. This one can’t even afford pants anymore.)

These days, most pimps have chosen to evolve. But Chanel!, you say, How will ever I spot my pimp? Never fear. You might be able to take a pimp out of his pimp suit, but you can not take the pimp out of the man.

You’ll know when you see him. He’ll be at least 10, maybe 20 years older than you. The two of you will exchange glances. He’ll discreetly follow you through the mall, hoping to corner you. When he approaches you, he’ll open not with a compliment (as most creepy guys who follow you in malls do), but with a nonchalant, “Hey, how are you? I’m Andrew. Are you waiting for someone?”

4. Don’t act like you want it.

The key here is playing hard to get. Just like every other man on the planet, pimps like it when they have to work to get you. Sure, they’ve got a couple cracked out blonds working the street corners for them, but what they’re really interested in finding are sweet, naive high school girls1 who will shyly turn them down.

Go somewhere in the mall where you wouldn’t expect pimps to be and you’ll find them there. Your mall’s bookstore, for example, is the perfect place. Cracked out blondes don’t read, but sweet, naive, even just passably intelligent girls do. You’ll know it right away when you’ve found your pimp and caught his eye, but it is important—nay, VITAL—that you pretend like you’re not interested.

Listen to your iPod while you’re browsing books. The first time he waves or smiles, smile quickly and turn back to your book or magazine. After a couple minutes, move on to a different section of the bookstore. Your pimp will probably migrate to the coffee shop in the bookstore if he hasn’t already, because pimps aren’t really interested in books. He’ll choose a spot in the coffee shop where he can just barely keep an eye on you while you’re browsing. You may look around to spot him, and when you do, don’t smile this time. He will, but you must look mildly irritated. Keep moving.

TIP: When you’ve located your pimp and you have begun your game of playing hard to get, remember to always keep moving! Girls that stay in one spot too long don’t make pimps enough money. You need to show him you’re a good investment.

5. Wait for him to come to you

Eventually, your pimp will be ready to close the deal. You’ll know when he’s ready because he’ll finish up his coffee (or cigarette, if the two of you are outside) and start looking like he means business. Look fascinated with whatever you’re doing—flipping through songs on your iPod, reading your magazine, texting, etc. He will interrupt you regardless of what’s taking your attention. Act like you didn’t see this coming.

First, he will ask you how you’re doing (we already covered this in point #3: how to identify your pimp). Then he will introduce himself and offer you a handshake. He’ll ask you out for something – coffee, drinks, whatever. You must turn the offer down. He’ll ask you for your number. Tell him you don’t give it out (this shows your loyalty, which will be important in the future when he becomes your pimp and other pimps try to recruit you away from him). He’ll then offer you his. You may take this if you want; this step is entirely optional. Finally, to seal the deal, he’ll ask you what you’re doing here, and if he can offer you a ride anywhere. That’s your foot in the door.

Congratulations! You’ve officially snagged yourself a pimp.

GIVE ME FEEDBACK: Did you try this out? How did it work for you?

1 – If you look over the high school age, pimps aren’t interested. They like to get them while they’re young and raise them up right. You probably shouldn’t have spent your time reading this.
  1. Josee on 1-22-2010:

    If you see some dude wearing this at the mall and it’s nowhere near Halloween, he isn’t your pimp. He’s probably a mental patient escapee. Do not approach.

    —–

    That part right there just made my day. XD
    .-= Josee’s last blog: By the year 3000, YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will have all joined to make one corporation… =-.

    4:53 pm
  2. ChelseaN on 1-22-2010:

    I LOL’d. Thanks for the laugh Chanel.

    5:13 pm
  3. TWD on 1-22-2010:

    You are definitely going to get some funky traffic coming your way now!

    This was excellent–where on earth did you find the pictures, though? They’re perfect! XD And I’m curious about your recent experiences that prompted this post!

    6:29 pm
  4. Zoya on 1-23-2010:

    How to snag yourself a pimp, what advise. I must say however that you broke my heart when you said that pimps don’t go for girls over the school age cause there goes my dream of being a working girl down the drain. I really emjoyed this read it was a very interesting take.
    .-= Zoya’s last blog: They Say Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder =-.

    5:14 am
  5. Arielle on 1-24-2010:

    I’ll keep this in mind next time I go to the Emeryville mall.
    .-= Arielle’s last blog: An almost final farewell? =-.

    3:03 pm
  6. Cael on 1-25-2010:

    FRIKKIN HILARIOUS! WE TALKED ABOUT SOME OF THIS STUFF. EXCEPT NOT ALL HOES IN SURREY HAVE HERPES :p! NICE JOB!

    9:32 pm
  7. Kaylee on 1-26-2010:

    Clearly YOU are a master pimp-snagger, Chanel. You just have so many talents! :D

    Another thing my mom always told me not to do that might help in getting a pimp is sitting in the back of a bus.
    .-= Kaylee’s last blog: Facebook surprise =-.

    5:25 pm
  8. vered - blogger for hire on 1-28-2010:

    Hehe those pimp photos are hilarious!

    3:50 pm
  9. guesswho on 1-31-2010:

    you probably shouldn’t use the phrase “crackwhores” not so polite or sensitive, in fact, downright wrong and mean.

    sorry

    2:58 am
  10. Maria Celina on 1-31-2010:

    That yellow pimp outfit is totally bitchin’.

    Thanks for the tips! Frankly, I don’t know if this will work in Asia (perhaps it’s a universalised approach, who knows?), but I’ll keep this in mind in case I consider a career change. =)

    9:29 pm
  11. Maria Celina on 1-31-2010:

    Come to think about it, I wonder how many people will take my comment seriously. =P

    9:31 pm
  12. Bobby on 2-1-2010:

    DAT SH*TS FUNNY… KUZ IMMA P.I.M.P. Person with Impecable Moral Principals… MAKE GREENS OR DIE TRYIN. LOOKS LIKE UVE DONE URE HOMEWORK:) GOOD FOR U. ULL MAKE A PIMP VERY RICH..HUH LOL ;>)

    1:54 pm
  13. Russian girl on 2-5-2010:

    Whence it is known to you?
    You did it?

    12:30 pm
  14. Jesy on 2-16-2010:

    Hm…This definitely sounds like a lot of the older guys that try to pick me up. I have the unfortunate luck of looking like I’m 16. It’s horrible. :)

    But it was definitely amusing.

    12:52 pm
  15. samdog on 2-28-2010:

    Back in the day?

    Purple floppy hat? … check.
    Full-length Russian sable coat? … check.
    Purple, 100% polyester suit? … check.
    Neon silk shirt? … check.
    Flowery tie? … check.
    Pointy-toed Italian shoes (preferably white) … check.
    Lots of gaudy, oversized ‘bling’ … check.

    True tackiness never goes out of style.

    11:53 am
  16. joey on 6-5-2010:

    identify your pimp, lol!

    7:10 am
  17. 2HOT4YOU on 6-5-2011:

    Umm this is hilarious…
    But to the person who said calling a person a crackwhore is not so polite or sensitive?? Are they sensitive when the steal rob or kill? U dumb f*uk

    *sorry*
    NOT

    1:08 pm
  18. carmen on 6-19-2011:

    wtf ok pimps dont look like those pics and i’m a dancer in vegas and i don’t have a pimp

    5:51 pm
  19. CANDYS MA FUCKIN PIMP on 5-16-2012:

    BITCH WHY THE FUCK YO RUNNIN YO HOE AZZ MOUTH
    DONT YOU EVER GO ON THE MA FUCKIN INTERNET AGAIN OR I WILL BREAK YOUR BLACK ASS

    10:20 pm
  20. bubbles on 5-17-2012:

    so who yo pimp candy i wanna join

    9:48 pm
  21. Der Metzgermeister on 9-17-2012:

    At first, I wasn’t sure if being a ‘ho was the right career choice for me. Also on top of that I didn’t even know where to begin. But you’ve changed this for me. And that crazy ass bitch there.

    I can successfully say I have never loved crack, being pimp slapped and sex with random men more than I do now. :)

    11:20 am
  22. vicki on 4-27-2013:

    Thats’ how I did it !!!! rumgirl17 on hooo

    6:00 am
  23. candyparadise on 7-20-2013:

    I kant belive that the guy on here really think he my pimp…no booboo u kant tell me shit…and u other hoes stop hatin and get money bitch…my motto is why fuck for free when u can get a mil ticket yah feel…fuck a pimp who needs one when u get it yoself and stack yo money…pimps ain’t shit …I loved my daddy at first but he crossed me so hahaha thx for the game tho bitch ass nigga …get money stay rich and act funny

    11:05 pm
  24. diamond on 7-27-2013:

    I NEED A PIMP! i live in mississippi and will work hard!!!!!
    plus ill make a shit load of $$$!!!!!!

    5:57 pm
  25. diamond on 7-27-2013:

    6017401147

    5:59 pm
  26. diamond on 7-27-2013:

    woops i meant 6017401174

    6:10 pm
  27. kailey on 9-20-2013:

    My names kailey I’m 21 in essex maryland I’m looking for a pimp Im not lazy I’m very hard working n I’m willing to do anything except anal…I somewhat have an attitude prob but I want to woek

    12:17 am
  28. kailey on 9-20-2013:

    443-802-7056 if interested no bullshit

    12:18 am
  29. kailey on 9-20-2013:

    My names kailey I’m 21 in essex maryland I’m looking for a pimp Im not lazy I’m very hard working n I’m willing to do anything except anal…I somewhat have an attitude prob but I want to woek 44@-802-7056…. yea kandy who yhur pimp hit me up

    12:23 am
  30. kailey on 9-20-2013:

    443-802-7056

    12:24 am
  31. charity on 9-22-2013:

    my name is Charity im 18. im a college student lookin for a pimp in Denton,Tx. Because I need money and willin to do anythin besides anal.. if available nd u a pimp txt me 9727428458

    12:09 pm
  32. maria on 10-8-2013:

    ok wtf?
    the last thing you want is a pimp, ladies are u out of your mind?
    they will use you like a lemon, squeeze everything you have out of you,
    and then trow you in the garbage..
    if you need to make money you can always get a job or sell shits on ebay. dont be acting stupid, because your going to regret it.
    -Maria.. 19 female with a big ass brain
    follow on instagram @ maria_c_hermosa

    6:03 pm
  33. maria on 10-8-2013:

    oh and, NO pimp is going to txt” u btw

    6:04 pm
  34. cayleigh on 11-30-2013:

    443-802-7056…. looking for a pimp

    9:45 pm
  35. cayleigh on 2-1-2014:

    443-473-2782 I’m looking for a pimp.. willing to work hard

    7:09 pm

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