The subject for tonight’s lecture can be easily twisted to fit in the same category as rich people whining about the complications of having too much money; a non-issue. But don’t be fooled—it is a real issue for many women, an issue I feel it is my personal duty to address with my timeless wisdom.
I’m talking about unwanted advances from men. Sometimes it’s the sweet guy you recently befriended who is clearly into you while you are just trying to be friendly. They ask you out for coffee or something. You cringe a little on the inside, because hello, you don’t like him like that.
Maybe you accept, because you’re nice or whatever. I always duck and dodge.
As I was sitting in the dentist’s office today, contemplating life’s mysteries, I had a stunning revelation: Maybe instead of spending time coming up with new and creative ways to avoid men and escape their unwanted advances, I should get a boyfriend. Preferably, a fake one. Even better if he was gay, married or into someone else. Fabulous if he was all three.
Up until now, I have always come up with some (totally legitimate) excuse to escape awkward dates—busy, sick, working, out of country, tired, doing something else, don’t drink coffee, lost your message, etc. etc. I’ve even tried that honesty thing, but telling them politely that I don’t date almost seems to encourage them, as if I’m lying about it to make them work harder at “getting” me.
I’ve tried everything but the lesbian card and the boyfriend card, and something tells me that the boyfriend card will be a whole lot more effective than the lesbian card.
With the lesbian card:
Boy: Hey, this is going to sound a little weird, but I find you really attractive and I was wondering if you’d like to go out sometime… There’s this great little place—
Me: I’m a lesbian.
Boy: (Boy’s eyes light up) Really now?
With the boyfriend card:
Boy: Want to grab a drink sometime?
Me: I only do that with my boyfriend.
Boy: There’s this great new movie coming this weekend…
Me: Oh, [movie title]? I’m seeing it with my boyfriend Saturday.
Boy: Can I have your phone number?
Me: My boyfriend doesn’t like it when strange men call me.
GENIUS, I tell you! And because I do not advocate lying: just go out with your “boyfriend” for drinks and a movie over the weekend so that you can face Nice Guy Who Is Interested In You with a clear conscience the next time you see him. It is fail-proof.
Next up: How To Bribe Your Male Friends Into Being Your “Boyfriend” Without Getting Murdered By Their Girlfriends and Wives, Another How-To Guide By Chanel. You won’t want to miss this one!