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22 January 2010

How to snag yourself a pimp: 5 easy steps to getting started in the prostitution industry

When I was younger, my mother always used to tell me that malls were a dangerous place. “I know you think you know everything,” she’d said, “but there are drug dealers and pimps who hang around malls, and they are there looking for young girls like you. Didn’t you hear that story on the news about that girl who got picked up at a mall, kidnapped to a foreign country, brainwashed and sold into white slavery?”

Just recently, I’ve had a couple interesting experiences at the mall that made me realize mom may not have been totally off her rocker after all. So, because I’m sure there must be at least one person out there who is looking for someone to take a portion of her earnings (and I’m not talking about the government here, although the difference between the government and having a pimp – not much), here are five simple steps to getting yourself a pimp:

1. Go to the mall alone.

It has been said that there are safety in numbers. Pimps know this, which is why it is very important to shop at the mall alone, because if they see you with fifty of your girlfriends, they figure at least one of you will be smart enough to say no to a date invitation from a 35 year old russian man.

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12 January 2010

Dear future husband,

This is what you’ll be pulling out from the vacuum for the rest of your life:

hair-roll

Suggestion: It’s probably in your best interest to agree with me when I say we should rip up the carpets and lay hardwood down instead.

Love,
Your adoring wife-to-be

5 January 2010

2010: The year of reinvention

There comes a point in everyone’s life where you are faced with a decision: stay, or evolve?

I have felt stagnant these last couple years. Although I accomplished a bit in 2009, a lot of it had to do with tying up lose ends of my past, instead of venturing forward into the future. It’s been like this for awhile, but that is all about to change.

At the close of every year, I try to spend a bit of time thinking about a theme for coming year. This year, the theme was clear: reinvention. Everything in my life is in desperate need of reinvention. My habits, my clothes, my hobbies, my plan for the future, the way I approach things, my relationships, my mindset on life… even my bedroom, which, by the way, I painted and decorated a decade ago. (Even worse, my bed, desk, bookshelfs, dresser and nightstand are all even older – try, maybe, a decade and a half.)

Instead of setting out typical resolutions, I’ve decided to change things up this year. I’ve made a running list of things I can do on a daily basis that are in harmony with my theme for this year. The list:

Chanel’s list of “one a day”:

While this list looks like a possible list of resolutions, it really isn’t – instead of focusing on something that may take weeks or months to reach, I’ve decided to go the route of small things that can be accomplished in a day. The goal here is not to do everything—just one a day. For example, my new year so far:

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31 December 2009

2009 In Review

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2009: My Year of Accomplishments & Firsts

Although it’s not as much as I could have hoped for (it never is, is it?), I’m happy with what I accomplished and experienced. 2009 was a tricky year; one filled with awkward moments, lots of questions, deep valleys, lots of plateaus and a couple mount everests. I needed to spend this year alone, working my derrière off, figuring out myself, figuring out what I want, figuring out what I needed to get done.

2009, in one word, was challenging. For better or for worse.

How was your 2009? If you had to sum it up in one word, what would it be?