VANCOUVER, BC — A local Vancouver woman was in for the surprise of her life last night when she awoke at 12:30 AM to find an unidentified white male rummaging through the clothes in her bedroom.

CHNL 5 News got an exclusive interview with the woman, who wishes to remain anonymous for personal reasons.

“I was shocked”, the woman said. “At first I was speechless and scared. But then I gathered my wits, threw on the lights and jumped out of bed.”

How did the man react?

“He was surprised. He clearly didn’t expect to be caught.” She responds. “It looked like he was trying to hide something in my clothes. When I confronted him, he grabbed whatever he was trying to hide and escaped. I hardly had any time to react.”

Earlier that evening, Vancouver police say they got a call from another Vancouver home not too far from this one, claiming a stale, half-eaten baguette was stolen from their kitchen. Police believe the two incidents are related.

Witnesses from both scenes describe the thief intruder as a middle-aged white male about 2 feet tall with black eyes and white hair.

Local police believe Mr. Winkey Wood, an 8 year old Vancouver resident known for his run-ins with the law, may be a suspect in both cases. “Mr. Wood has been linked to other food-related thefts in this arena,” A media spokesperson for the Vancouver Police said in a press meeting earlier this morning. “Another we don’t currently know why he commits these crimes, he is our prime suspect in this investigation.”

Mr. Wood first gained notoriety in the arena when when he was charged and convicted of grand theft back in 2007. Most notably, he is also the son of Chanel Wood, a Vancouver blogger who frequently posts photos of her son on her website. She was not available for comments.

Mr. Wood was last seen at 12:30 AM this morning, and is wanted by the Vancouver Police for theft and breaking and entering. If you have any information that could lead to Mr. Wood’s arrest, you are urged to call the Metro Vancouver Crime Stoppers at 1-800- 222-8477. If you see Mr. Wood, you are advised not to approach him. Police warn that he has previous record of being aggressive when approached, and instead advise you contact Crime Stoppers immediately.

Welcome to another edition of How to (do anything)! In today’s lesson, we will be learning the fine art of getting bit by your own dog and cultivating the full effects of the bleeding wounds and subsequent bruising.

SKILL LEVEL: EASY

You will need:

One 15 pound dog.
For optimal results, select a male dog. Preferably one that failed puppy kindergarten.

Instructions:

STEP ONE: Walk your dog in a crowded public place. Wait for a large dog to approach.

STEP TWO: When your dog challenges the larger dog to a fight, put your knee up as a barrier to block your dog from sinking his teeth into the larger dog.

STEP THREE: Once your dog’s teeth have made contact with your skin, you have successfully been bit by your own dog. Congratulations! Relish the feeling of success.

NOTE: It may take up to 48 hours for the blood resulting in the ruptured capillaries to collect and begin metabolizing in order to manifest their full effect:

Once your dog bite has metabolized to the desired shades of yellow, red, purple and black, display your battle would with pride.

Bruising will last a couple weeks; the wound will last much longer. Repeat steps 1 and 2 as often as needed.

Happy bruising!

xoxo,
chanel

So, it’s obviously been a long time since I last wrote something there.

Like, not-since-last-year kind of long.

Instead of writing one of those long-winded* posts bad bloggers always seem hand out after a hiatus—you know, the ones that typically follow the standard format of “excuse, excuse, excuse, more excuses, I WILL NOW BLOG EVERY DAY FOR A MONTH TO PROVE MY LOYALTY TO YOU!”—I will instead proceed to list out a couple things I did instead of writing here that have furthered my quest to become more awesome.

* Who are we kidding! Every time I write here it gets long-winded, and this will be no exception; Just like in real life, online Chanel just can’t seem to shut up.

Here we go…

I learned how to drive and passed my road test.

Really, this picture pretty much sums up the entire experience:

(For those not familiar with the B.C. driving system, when you first get your license you are a learner and are required to display a red L sign on your car. When you pass your road test (and can drive without a supervisor), you get your N. You have to take another road test in 2 years to get rid of your N.)

Unfortunately, this wasn’t nearly as exciting for everyone else as it was for me, seeing as most of my friends have “been there, done that” oh, about five years ago. Learning how to drive (in order to pass my road test) has probably been my most procrastinated to-do item ever, with my bedroom renovations coming in as a close second (more on this later). Evidence:

• In 2006, I was old enough to apply for my license.
• In 2008, I finally decided to get my learner’s license. I drove once in an empty parking lot and ran into a tree.
• In the beginning of 2010, I made it a resolution (Operation: Drive) to learn how to drive. I took one lesson which went amazing and then got lazy to finish them.
• In 2010, my learner’s license expired, along with my youth.
• In 2011, I took driving lessons and passed my road test on the first try within the span of 3 months.

What can I say? I age slowly. Something that takes most people a year has taken me about five years. I wish I could tell you this trend stops here, but it doesn’t. Mock me now, but we’ll see who gets the last laugh when you need adult diapers and I’m still making it to the bathroom in time.

I voted for the first time ever.

Not nearly as impressive when you consider I’ve been able to vote for the last three years but didn’t.

I got straight A+s in my 2nd semester of college.

The most unfortunate part about this statement is that saying “I got straight A+’s” does not roll off the tongue nearly as well as “I got straight A’s”. #firstworldproblems.

Granted, I only took three courses—the minimum required to be a full-time student at my college. Will I be able to reproduce this when I take my sciences and specialized psych courses next semester? Probably not.* But i’ll always remember that one glorious semester in my first year where I was the smartest person in my class, because let’s be honest: It’s pretty much all downhill from here.

* I wouldn’t be able to afford the therapy bills if I tried.

I went to my first Canucks game.

… And have absolutely zero pictures to show for it, because I uploaded them to a netbook that I put somewhere in this house and can no longer find. Does this happen to other people? No? Alright then. Back to the topic on hand…

This relatively new-ish development, a year in the making, (me being a crazed hockey nerd – screaming at the tv, reading up on players, lurking on hockey forums) is something i’ll likely touch on at a later point, because sometimes even I can’t believe I actually watch and follow a PROFESSIONAL SPORT. But the Canucks and these Stanley Cup Playoffs have been my new crack cocaine*.

* Purely metaphorical. I would like to state for the record that I have never tried crack cocaine before. IT WAS JUST ICING SUGAR, I SWEAR!

If we’re friends on Facebook, or if you follow me on Twitter or Tumblr: I’m sorry. (But not really.) And I’m sure you know why.

For those who don’t: My social media accounts have all pretty much become hockey central on game days and the days between game days (If you’re following the math, that would make them hockey central everyday.) I think I’m fairly well justified in my overzealousness, however, seeing as this is the first Stanley Cup final I’ve ever been a part of, and may well be (PLEASE LORD) the first Stanley cup championship this team has ever seen in its 40 years as a team.

(Incidentally, you can follow all the Canucks-related videos, photos, links and posts I find interesting on my tumblr here.)

For those of you who have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about:

Oh yeah, and one last thing:

Time to bring that baby home.

(I’m done now, I promise.)

I started renovations on my bedroom.

At the beginning of 2010, I made a resolution to renovate my bedroom that year. It was called Operation: Bedroom Overhaul.

I started Operation: Bedroom Overhaul in the summer of 2010. A year later, I am still sleeping in a bedroom with no desk, no nightstand, minimal clothes and plywood floors. A bedroom renovation that takes a year to complete? This, combined with the sum total number of years it took me to learn how to drive should probably qualify me for the title of World’s Best Procrastinator.

At this rate, the finishing touches should be done in the summer of 2023! Look for the before and after photos then!

(Kidding. I’m getting the room measured out for flooring this weekend. It should be done by 2015, easily.)

I got sick for a month.

… With some mysterious illness that went undiagnosed because I am scared of needles and didn’t want to see a doctor / GET STABBED IN THE ARM AND BE ROBBED OF MY LIFE-GIVING BLOOD (what they call a ‘blood test’).

Part of the healing process was giving up sugar and dairy in hopes my immune system would strengthen. What really made the difference was when I started eating a lot more raw foods – making my own fresh green shakes in the morning, juicing carrots to make carrot juice as a pick-me-up in the afternoon, that sort of thing. I eventually cured myself with age-old, time-tested routine: lots of sleep (before midnight), lots of water, proper diet, no sugar, no dairy.

If you ever want a new lease on life, you should try being sick for a month and then get healthy again. Everything is AWESOME! and BEAUTIFUL! and EXCITING! It feels good to live again! FREE HUGS FOR EVERYONE!

And lastly, I redesigned this website.

… About five hundred times before I finally decided to post new content.

If you’re reading this post in a feed reader, you might want to click through and check it out. Aside from the design, I’ve also integrated a tumblr for my photography: Photos by Chanel. This is separate from my tumblr for everything else, which can be found here: Things Chanel Likes. Both of these are seamlessly integrated into the design of this website, so you don’t have to open them in new tabs.

It’s been a long time coming, but I’m excited to get back to blogging!