How to snag yourself a pimp: 5 easy steps to getting started in the prostitution industry
When I was younger, my mother always used to tell me that malls were a dangerous place. “I know you think you know everything,” she’d said, “but there are drug dealers and pimps who hang around malls, and they are there looking for young girls like you. Didn’t you hear that story on the news about that girl who got picked up at a mall, kidnapped to a foreign country, brainwashed and sold into white slavery?”
Just recently, I’ve had a couple interesting experiences at the mall that made me realize mom may not have been totally off her rocker after all. So, because I’m sure there must be at least one person out there who is looking for someone to take a portion of her earnings (and I’m not talking about the government here, although the difference between the government and having a pimp – not much), here are five simple steps to getting yourself a pimp:
1. Go to the mall alone.
It has been said that there are safety in numbers. Pimps know this, which is why it is very important to shop at the mall alone, because if they see you with fifty of your girlfriends, they figure at least one of you will be smart enough to say no to a date invitation from a 35 year old russian man.
Dear future husband,
This is what you’ll be pulling out from the vacuum for the rest of your life:
Suggestion: It’s probably in your best interest to agree with me when I say we should rip up the carpets and lay hardwood down instead.
Love,
Your adoring wife-to-be
2010: The year of reinvention
There comes a point in everyone’s life where you are faced with a decision: stay, or evolve?
I have felt stagnant these last couple years. Although I accomplished a bit in 2009, a lot of it had to do with tying up lose ends of my past, instead of venturing forward into the future. It’s been like this for awhile, but that is all about to change.
At the close of every year, I try to spend a bit of time thinking about a theme for coming year. This year, the theme was clear: reinvention. Everything in my life is in desperate need of reinvention. My habits, my clothes, my hobbies, my plan for the future, the way I approach things, my relationships, my mindset on life… even my bedroom, which, by the way, I painted and decorated a decade ago. (Even worse, my bed, desk, bookshelfs, dresser and nightstand are all even older – try, maybe, a decade and a half.)
Instead of setting out typical resolutions, I’ve decided to change things up this year. I’ve made a running list of things I can do on a daily basis that are in harmony with my theme for this year. The list:
Chanel’s list of “one a day”:
- go to bed early (lights out and sleeping before 12)
- be more outdoorsy (hiking, trails, sports, camping, etc.)
- be more social (in person, one-on-one or small group setting)
- answer all correspondence in 12 hours or less
- eat healthy (vegan, sugar-free or just well-balanced)
- be more gutsy & get outside your comfort zone
While this list looks like a possible list of resolutions, it really isn’t – instead of focusing on something that may take weeks or months to reach, I’ve decided to go the route of small things that can be accomplished in a day. The goal here is not to do everything—just one a day. For example, my new year so far:
2009 In Review
2009: My Year of Accomplishments & Firsts
- Won first place, UBC Dance Club Minicomp (January 31st)
- Won six trophies at Gala Ball: 2nd in Jive, Quickstep & Tango, and Vienese Waltz; 3rd in Rumba & Quickstep, Foxtrot, and Jive (most trophies at one competition to date).
- Did the Vancouver SunRun 10K in 70 minutes (personal best to date).
- Had my first ride on a motorcycle.
- Travelled outside the country for the first time without the family.
- Travelled outside the lower mainland for the first time without the family.
- Finished high school.
- Took my first university-level courses.
- Gave my first health presentation at meeting.
- Had my first needle, my first cavity drilling, my first tooth extraction, my first surgery, my first stitches, and finally, got my first prescription for drugs.
- Walked away from someone important in my life for the first time.
- Took my first fall in ballroom dancing.
- Watched (in person) my first IDSF competition (Snowball Classic).
- Bought my first secondary lens (Canon 50mm 1.8).
- Went to my first XanGo regional. (Also, my first event with members of our team.)
- Had my first real Vegas experience; walked the strip, wandered in casinos, Saw Cirque du Soleil’s “O” (also a first) and Phantom of the Opera at the Venetian.
- Walked in California sand, dipped my feet in California ocean and visited a Californian beach for the first time.
- Waketubed in the lake and fell off for the first time. Surprisingly, me stranded in the middle of lake while I was waiting for the boat to turn around and pick me up did not result in heart failure due to an extreme fear of fish and deep water.
- Got my first 2nd degree burn. From a mop.
Although it’s not as much as I could have hoped for (it never is, is it?), I’m happy with what I accomplished and experienced. 2009 was a tricky year; one filled with awkward moments, lots of questions, deep valleys, lots of plateaus and a couple mount everests. I needed to spend this year alone, working my derrière off, figuring out myself, figuring out what I want, figuring out what I needed to get done.
2009, in one word, was challenging. For better or for worse.
How was your 2009? If you had to sum it up in one word, what would it be?