More reasons why I hate Alberta and never wish to go back:
- Sub zero temperatures during the winter months: i.e., spending the greater part of the last 72 hour weekend in -45 degree temperatures with WINDCHILL. Do you know what that means? It means that no matter what you wear and no matter where you are, you’re still cold.
- Bodily complications related with sub zero temperatures: frozen noses after being outside for 10 seconds, fingers that don’t work after 1 minute, frostbitten toes after 10 minutes, death after 20 minutes. Oh, and dare I forget the breathing problem? The air is so cold that my windpipe refuses to let it pass to my lungs: “Hmm, I see that Chanel is unwittingly attempting to kill herself by disguising liquid nitrogen as oxygen and hoping it passes to her lungs. REJECTED.”
- Did you know that salt doesn’t work as a de-icer after a certain temperature? Did you know that there are large metropolitan cities that live below that temperature cut-off for several weeks or months? ME NEITHER. They can call it whatever they want to to fool unwitting tourists, but I’ll tell you how it is: HELL. These places on earth aren’t “great ski locations” with “beautiful powder” or “incredibly scenic” – It’s a ploy the city comes up with to lure people into their death trap. BE YE NOT FOOLED.
- Landscape: It’s flat. And dry. And cold. Yeah sure, blah blah the Rocky Mountains blah blah beautiful, but jagged rocks get really old when you’re freezing to death. And what about those people who live in the city, where there are no mountains or elevated landscape to be seen with the naked eye? Do you know what the sunrise looks like when everything is flat? It looks eerily reminiscent of what I’d imagine sunrises on the North Pole would look like. Which, naturally, scares the shit out of a Westcoast city girl. NORTH POLE MATERIAL, I AM NOT.
Overall, my feelings can be summed up in one conversation I had with a complete stranger in the Women’s washroom at Calgary International:
“You were at the health show, right?”
(We exchange a meaningful look)
“I am so glad to get out of here.”
“OH MY GOSH, me too. Where are you from?”
“Oh. I’m from the mainland – but I can’t wait to get out of this place.”
“I know – I think I’ve had enough cold for a lifetime.”
To any Canadians living anywhere but the lower mainland and Victoria, and to anyone else living in sub zero temperatures:
Save up money to migrate somewhere warm next winter?