Warning: This post is full of crazy. I’m writing this at 4:30 in the morning because the guy I’m living with woke me up (AGAIN!) and I can’t get back to sleep. This is basically the final straw and I want out so I’m breaking up with him on my blog. But first, a letter:
Dear Inconsiderate Jerkface,
I hate you and want you dead.
Here are five reasons why today will be your last day on earth:
1. You’re needy and your timing sucks.
Tell me—TELL ME—why is it that when I am awake and there is ample light for me to
kill you in cold blood spend some quality time with you, you are NOWHERE TO BE FOUND?
And yet—AND YET!—, precisely ten minutes after the lights go off, and just as I’m about to sleep … HI CHANEL I’M AWAKE! Just thought I’d wake up you to let you know that! Time to wake up even though it is the middle of the night! ZZZZZ PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEE! And then its all, Chanel, I’m hungry! Chanel, feed me! And when I ignore you? YOU BITE ME. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL.
3. You can’t deal with conflict.
After you woke me up tonight, I actually got out of bed, turned on the lights and prepared to hash this out with you like two mature adults who are angry at each other at irrational hours of the night. INSTEAD—INSTEAD!—It happened more like this:
You wake Chanel up. Chanel gets out of bed. You run and HIDE like a WHINY LITTLE FREAKING GIRL.
Seriously? BE A MAN.
3. You are inconsiderate and have no job.
Has anyone ever told you what a supreme jerk* you are? Do you even care that I have to get up early tomorrow—you know, to do ACTUAL work? Unlike some people, I don’t sit around all day sulking in someone’s bedroom, plotting ways to keep them up all night and generally mooching off of them until I suck them dry. HAVE SOME RESPECT.
* I actually looked up “jerk” in the thesaurus because I was running out of family friendly derogatory names to refer to this piece of work. Surprise: I couldn’t find anything that didn’t involve genitalia, sexual undertones, swear words or a combination thereof. I was about to call him a hoser because I found that here and it sounded safe enough, but then I googled its origins and apparently thats a derogatory term for CANADIANS. So I think I’ll stick with jerk. In other news, has anyone ever noticed that derogatory names are terribly uncreative because they’re basically composed of a slang term for genitalia or sexual act combined with a noun or verb? e.g., _____-sucker, _____-wad, _____ -head.
4. You give me itchy red bumps.
Really, I could stop this list right here, and nobody would fault me for
killing you only having three good reasons to break up with you. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! You give me red bumps and make me itch! Chanel wins again!
Look, I don’t know a lot about life, but I do know this: If the guy you’re living with is making you itch, it’s time to move on (and see your doctor).
5. Did you even read point #4?
Plus, I think I’m allergic to you.
If I ever find you,
you we are so over. Start saying your prayers.
P.S. I always knew I’d be better off living on my own.
P.P.S. When I say “guy” here, I really mean a mosquito that is inevitably a male because only a male can cause this much trouble for a female at 4:30 in the morning. Did you think I was talking about an ACTUAL guy? Hahahaha, silly you! Cat ladies don’t have boyfriends!
P.P.P.S. I just googled mosquitoes and apparently the ones that bite you are female. How does this work? What does this mean? EVERYTHING I KNEW ABOUT YOU IS A LIE!
P.P.P.P.S. Everything I’ve just written here is why I should never be woken up in the middle of the night. Including the fact that this letter has four postscripts.