5 reasons why New Moon is better than Twilight
Alternatively titled, The Post In Which All Five of Chanel’s Remaining Twilight Readers Unsubscribe, A Totally Unbiased Review Of One Of The Worst Second Installments Ever.
Last year, I gave you five reasons why Twilight sucked. Since then, the Twilight franchise has rolled out a second installment to their first cash cow, this one entitled “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” for all five of the dumbest people in North America who have been living under a rock with poor wireless reception. (I say ‘North America’ because I’m pretty sure people in other continents have better things to do than follow the updates of a fictional girl forced to choose between necrophilia and bestiality.)
Here we go!
1. Edward is barely in it.
No offence RPattz, but your acting makes me want to die.
Okay, so I get it. Anyone who’s ever laid eyes on you can tell you’re the laid back kind of guy who just doesn’t really care. Overgrown, messy hair that looks like something died in it? Check! Clothing that looks like you were pulled out of a dumpster and dragged onto set? Check! Bewildered, “what is it they say I do again?” look in your eye when you pose for photos pretending to be an actual actor? Check, check, check!
Look, Its fine that you want to dress like a homeless pedophile. Everyone has something that floats their boat, even homeless pedophiles—but let me give you a piece of advice, RPattz: When playing the role of a sparkly vegetarian vampire, you need to sell that shit with ever last fiber of your being, because seriously, sparkly vegetarian vampires? That’s a hard sell to people already in the psych ward, and most of them already think they hear voices.
Rob, I’m not asking you to do anything drastic like take a shower or, god forbid, run comb through your hair. All I’m saying is that maybe you should try this thing called acting in the next movie, because playing yourself isn’t cutting it.
2. It’s an angsty, indie-type flick which perfectly relates to Kirsten Stewart’s burdensome life.
Speaking of psych wards and people who hear voices – let’s talk about Bella!
In New Moon, Kirsten Stewart plays Bella, an angst-ridden teen whos boyfriend leaves her early on in the movie. After discovering she can hear Edward’s voice when she places herself in danger, she spends the greater part of the movie attempting suicide in several creative, adrenalin-rushing ways, which is not crazy at all and totally the kind of movie you want your impressionable young daughter watching.
Unlike her role in Twilight, Kirsten Stewart was not required to pretend she was actually happy or in love in this movie. In fact, it was the exact opposite: she had to look sad and depressed, with that dead, vacant look in her eyes. Not only that, but she had to act as if her life sucked, like things couldn’t get any worse—like she had no reason to ever smile again. I can just imagine her reaction when she first got the New Moon script: OH THANK GOD, I DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO ACT IN THIS ONE. It was totally believable, KStew. You knocked this one outta the park.
3. It has hours of footage containing nearly naked boys young enough to send adult women to jail for impure thoughts.
Heeeeello, Taylor Lautner. So I’m not going to lie; you were the only reason New Moon was worth watching—and because women everywhere want you to lift your shirt so they can feel your abs, probably the biggest reason why Twilight now has so many adult fans.
Lets pause for a moment and talk about the gross double standard New Moon is advocating here before we move on to the blatant exploiting of underage children.
When Miley Cyrus, age 15, posed for world renowned photographer Annie Leibovitz in just a sheet, the apocalypse happened. All she showed was her back and people freaked and condemned her. Along comes Taylor Lautner, a couple months past his 17th birthday, starring in a movie in which is he missing 50% of his clothes for a good 1.5 hours of film, and people—some grown adults—PAY TO SEE IT.
Which one makes you feel more like a dirty pedophile?
The only correct answer should be BOTH. Go get some help.
4. Edward is barely in it.
What? I already mentioned this? My bad. Moving on!
5. It contains fewer scenes where Bella and Edward have to feign romantic interest in each other.
Here’s the main thing I don’t understand about the whole Twilight craze: It has no redeeming factors. Usually when a movie is considered awful by the film snobs, the script is awful and the acting is even worse. Which is fine—don’t see it if you’re looking for the Mona Lisa of moving pictures. But lets be honest: for most people—tweens particularly—neither of those things ultimately matter if the lead characters are hot and their chemistry is sizzling.
But Twilight? For Twilight, you get this:
TALK ABOUT CHEMISTRY AND GOOD LOOKS.
Kirsten Stewart is varying degrees of pretty depending on how they do her up; unfortunately, the Twilight series does her up as a plane jane mousy brunette, making her look as unattractive as possible. (Her vacant, gaping-mouth, staring-into-space expression so often seen in the Twilight films—and everywhere else—completes the look.)
Robert Pattinson, when left to his own devices, can be downright scary. In a lot of his pictures, I always get this unsettling feeling that he wants to eat me in the way a starving homeless dude who has just escaped the asylum wants to eat a huge ice cream sundae. In the movies, I always get the feeling that it puts him in excruciating pain to be attracted to Bella. (I suppose this is RPattz’s attempt to convey the great struggle Edward deals with in not trying to kill Bella “like a soap bubble” every time he’s around her, but it falls short of that and just makes him look like an awkward gay putting up with a beard.) Together, Bella and Edward’s chemistry is awkward, fumbling, and generally completely lacking.
What else is left? Even most Twi-hard fans admit there isn’t much literary genius in the writing itself; so it can’t be the poetic way Edward stumbles on his words like a 108 year old virgin. Nope. What made New Moon better than Twilight was the decrease in these so-called “romantic scenes” between Edward and Bella. (In other words, I spent less time cringing during New Moon than I did in Twilight.)
Conclusion
To recap, lets examine what went wrong in the first movie.
Reasons why Twilight was a multimillion dollar hit:
- The acting was bad.
- The dialogue was bad.
- The facial expressions were bad (and also, extremely funny).
- The storyline was bad.
- The chemistry between the leading characters was non-existent.
Next to Twilight, New Moon represents improvement. The acting was slightly less bad and slightly more believable, largely thanks to Kirsten Stewart playing a role she is probably far more comfortable in. The dialogue was also slightly less bad and slightly more believable, largely thanks to Robert Pattison having less screen time to embarrass himself.
The facial expressions were, by far, the most greatly improved; Edward had less time to look like he had a stick stuck up his ass, Bella frowned more so she could keep her mouth open less, Alice got a reality check, Jasper had less on-screen time to look like a constipated fruitcake, and James died in Twilight, so he had no on-screen time in New Moon to look like my dog.
The storyline was more realistic, playing on how sometimes, we have to leave the ones we love to protect them, but how that isn’t always a good idea if your loved ones have suicidal tendencies. And though the chemistry between Bella and Edward didn’t improve or manifest itself at any time during the movie, their interactions were slightly less painful.
Final verdict? Those who found it hard to sit through Twilight should find New Moon slightly more bearable.
You care too much. :-)
December 7th, 2009 at 7:43 pmBest recap of a lame movie…. EVER!
December 7th, 2009 at 11:23 pmKristine´s last blog: The Night For Giving Thanks.
You’re awesome. LOL
December 8th, 2009 at 10:00 amI might be able to somehow understand the obsession if I thought Robert Pattinson was even *remotely* attractive…
December 9th, 2009 at 3:25 pmHaha, that was well worth holding on for about 8 minutes to read instead of going to the bathroom…
December 10th, 2009 at 1:04 amUnfortunately, Twilight was so bad I couldn’t finish watching it. I mean what was the vampire flying into the trees thing? Seriously?
For much the same reasons, I did not (pay to) see New Moon.
So I can’t really validate your criticism, other than that I agree on an intuitive level.
Seriously, Taylor Lautner is not that hot, nor is his body. I have friends whose bodies look like that and I’m not going around begging them to take their shirts off (although one of them always chooses a shirtless pic for his Facebook profile, go figure).
In fact, none of the actors/actresses in these two movies are hot. I don’t get the Twilight craze at all. At all.
December 10th, 2009 at 8:51 pmSassyGirl’s last blog: Grievance Letters – Part II
as for point 3 i dont know about the states but Taylor Lautner would be legal over here but i cont think of meny places where the age of consent is lower than 16
December 11th, 2009 at 12:05 pmOkay, so I definitely know to fast forward to any scene where TLautner has his shirt off. :) This was definitely informative.
December 11th, 2009 at 2:19 pmI was too distracted by the shirtless werewolf that I have nothing else to say.
December 15th, 2009 at 5:40 pmThao’s last blog: Overdue Migration
p.s. great layout. i love it.
December 15th, 2009 at 5:41 pmThao’s last blog: Overdue Migration
I found New Moon to be more bearable as well, for some of the reasons you mentioned – ie Taylor (too much of a baby face, but nice abs anyway!) and the total lack of Edward = THANK GOD.
Liked this line best: “The only correct answer should be BOTH. Go get some help.”
December 18th, 2009 at 12:17 ami still dont understand the fascination for this movie -xT
December 18th, 2009 at 3:01 pmRay’s last blog: Forgettable Tuesday
I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING!! And even Steven King said that the writing in these books was SHITTY for such a popular book.
I refuse to see or read this series just because it LOOKS gay and not worth my time and it pisses off a lot of my friends ;)
December 20th, 2009 at 4:48 pmJenny’s last blog: A Winter Wonderland
The film called Twilight was such a bad movie, I did not allow myself to pay money to go to New Moon. How bad was it? Agree with Jenny on the writing in the books….
December 28th, 2009 at 5:32 am“because I’m pretty sure people in other continents have better things to do than follow the updates of a fictional girl forced to choose between necrophilia and bestiality.”
You are now officially my favourite person, because that is hilarious. Unfortunately, there are plenty for fools over here loving the saga of death boy and the mary ‘my negatives equal positives’ sue.
I’ve not seen this new film, I don’t want to till I’ve read the book. I don’t like the series at all, but I feel I should probably read it before complaining about it. However, even though I haven’t seen the film, I still loved this blog!
Please consider reviewing professionally! XD
December 30th, 2009 at 6:19 amHAHAH, YES!!! BEST CRITIQUE EVER! I HATE TWILIGHT/NEW MOON..WHATEVER :p!
January 9th, 2010 at 2:54 pm