Selfless love
November 19th, 2008The other day, I was talking to a friend about relationships and dating.
“You know, sometimes I just find this whole thing so depressing,” I said. “There is always a catch to the good ones, you never have any attraction or chemistry with the ones who are perfect for you, and then there are those who want you but are no good for you—where are the ones who are just as good for you as you are for them?”
“Taken,” He replied. “Taken by girls who don’t deserve them.”
Have you ever wondered why this appears to be?
Most women, at some point in their lives, have made The List. The List, for those who aren’t familiar with the term, is a list of things a woman wants in a man. Smart, good-looking, hard working, sociable, wealthy, influential, drives a nice car, has shiny teeth—whatever is on it, The List varies from woman to woman, but they all have one, either in their heads or on paper.
A couple months after my 16th birthday, my parents gave me a purple notebook. I still have it today. I entitled it “Chanel’s handbook for life”, and in it, I made lots of lists. I made one on the person I would like to be, my priorities in life (and what they should actually be), the perfect way to balance my time and energy, goals I want to achieve in my lifetime, things I want to do in my lifetime, life lessons I have learned, things I need to change, etc. etc. And then I made The List.
What I find interesting is that, looking back in the notebook, before I made the list of things I would like in the opposite sex, I made a list of things I would like to see in myself. More interestingly, however, is the fact that the two lists are nearly identical.
For the last couple years, when asked what I would like in a husband, my answer has almost always been exactly the same: “Most of what I am, just better”. It wouldn’t be hard. Narcisstic? Maybe. But it’s 100% honest. I am always working to be the best person I can possibly be. In my mind, if he wasn’t, it would pull me down; I need someone to help set the bar higher and higher. I wanted an equal or better in most or all things. That was the nice way of the looking at it. The other way? “I’m a good catch. He better deserve me.”
Selfish much?
The bible says that the price of sin is death. It also says that God is love. In the form of a man, he sacrificed his human life for the sins of the world to redeem the human race. Many people don’t get the true significance of the words, “God is love”—but by replacing his human life for the lives of the those he loved, he committed the ultimate act of selfless love as an example for us.
So what does all this have to do with anything, anyway?
It was about two weeks ago in the shower when I came up with a new theory on relationships that completely blew my mind. I’m certainly not the first person to ever come up with this theory, but it was groundbreaking for me personally because it was simply something I had never really considered before.
What if we are meant to be with people who are not perfect for us, but for whom we are perfect for?
Take me as an example. I constantly strive to be the best person I can possibly be and I’ve always want a guy who would be just as good if not better than me at everything… But maybe its God’s will that I take the skills, abilities and strengths I have to balance out another individual, instead of looking for someone who is just like me, with the same strengths I have.
If loving and forgiving comes easy for me, what good would it be if I ended up with someone who also found loving and forgiving easy? Would it not so much more benefit another life—and the world as a whole—if I was matched with someone with whom my loving and forgiving abilities could be put to good use? … And if you think this sounds borderline charity case—how much more rewarding and enriching would it be to be in a relationship where each other’s strengths could be fully appreciated and each other’s weaknesses could be compensated?
If love is selfless, maybe this concept of ‘perfect’ matchmaking really does have everything to do with how well you fit them and not how well they fit you. And with that in mind, think about my previous ideal of wanting someone who was “just like me, but better”… Could that ever be true love?
Something to think about.
EXACTLY.
I wish I could say more, but you’ve hit the nail on the head.
I remember once, in a social psychology class, we were discussing the nature of attraction — Opposites attract vs. High similarity. Ultimately, I believe that we are attracted to people with personality traits somewhat different to ours (i.e. shy people tend to be attracted to outgoing people), but who possess similar core values (i.e. appreciation of independence, character, etc).
I think the key is not to mold and accommodate your entire life and personality to fit a particular person’s needs, i.e. no “shapeshifting” into the “perfect” woman (or man) just to make someone else happy.
Reply: Interesting you mention that… I totally agree; I think having similar core values is critically important. Opposites may attract, but similarities keep them together. That social psychology class sounds like it was very interesting. :) Thanks for sharing that!
November 19th, 2008 at 8:22 pmI can completely understand what you mean. In my List, the man of my dreams was always academically smart. Yet I always found myself “fitting” with someone who wasn’t exactly smart on paper, and I would learn so much from the differences between us than I ever would from someone who was like me. I believe it actually made me a better person.
Adding two similar people together isn’t as “satisfying” as two different people complementing each other.
In the end, though, I still think it’s *also* about being with someone who is perfect for you — it goes both ways :)
Reply: Oh yes, I agree too … In fact, its actually the same concept, just in reverse - if you’re looking for someone whom you can perfect and he’s looking for someone whom he can perfect, you end up perfecting each other, if that makes any sense!
November 19th, 2008 at 9:25 pmFunny thing - I had a similar epiphany. I recently decided to toss my “list” and just go with my heart. This decision was highly influenced by reading “Unhooked Generation” by Jillian Straus and then reading a Dalia Lama book immediately after. I certainly didn’t plan it that way, lol…
Reply: Alfred! Good to hear from you. :) Its interesting to see that its been “going around”, haha.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:24 pmWell, I agree and I like your theory. I believe we’re on this planet to learn and become better people (otherwise I don’t see the point of living). However I do think there should be a balance. Let’s say, both people in the relationship must have similar qualities, but they must also be different. There must be something they can relate to together, otherwise, I only see it as a temporary thing.
Using me and my husband as an example, I’m the emotional one and he’s the rational one. I can’t use my head for anything wise, I always acted out of impulse and I followed my heart. He analyzed everything beforehand, measured the pros and cons of everything and so on. After we got together, we balanced out each other. I became more rational and he became more emotional. I still think it was me who changed the most, but this isn’t a competition to see who changes whom the most. Besides, it’s not about changing, I think it’s more about blending together, that is how two people become a couple, both people have to give. Two people who aren’t able to share and learn from the other person aren’t a couple in my eyes.Just two people who happen to share their time together, or something along those lines.
I have to applaud you for such an insightful and personal entry, Chanel. I am amaze of how good of a person you seem to be and what you focus your life on. Your life goals are of a sublime kind, and I wish more of us could be like you.
Reply: Awww wow, thank you for the kind words Regine! I try, but it never ceases to astound me how much room for improvement there is. By sharing these little discoveries and journeys with you guys, hopefully it inspires someone else to make little changes for good. :)
I agree with what you said about being similar but different - the way I see it, opposites (as in, opposite qualities) may attract, but similarities keep them together. I think I will write about this sometime soon actually. It’s an important concept to grasp.
I love your example about you and your husband… To me, that is exactly how it should be. The giving, sharing and balancing each other out—the two becoming one—is such a beautiful part of the refinement marriage. Thank you for sharing that!
November 20th, 2008 at 3:08 amRegine, I think your comment was lovely and in my particular relationship I take after your husband and mine takes after you. I really like the idea of we both make each other better people.
My mom actually once told me that she had made her list and on it, she wanted a man who wore plaid shirts and was in the Navy. That man ended up being my dad, and they are still together today.
Seeing how well that had worked for her, when I was in about third grade I made my own mental list for God and it was that I really, really liked the name Andrew. So I’d like a husband with that name. And he had to be able to make me laugh. I hadn’t thought about it until after my SO and I were getting married, but that he fit my two qualifications to a tee. Not to mention that he was such a wonderful person to start with, but that he was also fitting my more simple childish requests from third grade.
Annnyway, I really like the way that you have put all this Chanel. It’s a very interesting idea and I think you may have hit the nail on the head.
Reply: Awww, now that is adorable! Thank you for sharing, Erin. :) Its amazing how you ended up with someone named Andrew when you wanted someone named Andrew!
November 20th, 2008 at 9:20 amThis post was really beautiful. Your thoughts are very relatable to almost everyone.
I agree with what you stated about our significant other not being perfect for us, but us being perfect for them. I’ve always made The List and on it would be someone who is just like me, but better. Same as you, no lie.
I honestly think, though, that our lists are made to comfort us and give is hope into finding someone that is close, but not so close, to who that person is. I also try my hardest to improve myself as a person and look for someone with the same goals, but we don’t always end up wanting who we wanted in the first place, so it really is all up to God.
Again, your post was so insightful. I liked it very much. Made me think and is still making me think!
Reply: I’m really glad you enjoyed this post… and more importantly, that it made you think. :) … It’s interesting how you wanted someone who was just like you but better; I thought I was the only one! Good to know.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:44 amFunny, my list (just the list of what I want in a man part) ended up not working at all!! When it finally hit me that my list never works, I stopped doing the Man List.
Other lists (i.e.: future goals, desired career, financial investments, etc.) are quite helpful for me, though. I’ve been doing that since 1999 :-)
November 20th, 2008 at 6:20 pmFind that right person is such a tough act to follow. Sometimes we think we have found the right one, and then the years go by and we start looking at them like what am I doing.. or vice versa they look at us that way.
I like to believe that there is someone out there for me, but as my life changes directions that one person can change too. I guess that’s why sometimes it’s hard to know if I made the right decision.
November 23rd, 2008 at 3:02 am