Turn down any date invitation with ease and grace! A how-to guide by Chanel.
The subject for tonight’s lecture can be easily twisted to fit in the same category as rich people whining about the complications of having too much money; a non-issue. But don’t be fooled—it is a real issue for many women, an issue I feel it is my personal duty to address with my timeless wisdom.
I’m talking about unwanted advances from men. Sometimes it’s the sweet guy you recently befriended who is clearly into you while you are just trying to be friendly. They ask you out for coffee or something. You cringe a little on the inside, because hello, you don’t like him like that.
Maybe you accept, because you’re nice or whatever. I always duck and dodge.
As I was sitting in the dentist’s office today, contemplating life’s mysteries, I had a stunning revelation: Maybe instead of spending time coming up with new and creative ways to avoid men and escape their unwanted advances, I should get a boyfriend. Preferably, a fake one. Even better if he was gay, married or into someone else. Fabulous if he was all three.
Up until now, I have always come up with some (totally legitimate) excuse to escape awkward dates—busy, sick, working, out of country, tired, doing something else, don’t drink coffee, lost your message, etc. etc. I’ve even tried that honesty thing, but telling them politely that I don’t date almost seems to encourage them, as if I’m lying about it to make them work harder at “getting” me.
I’ve tried everything but the lesbian card and the boyfriend card, and something tells me that the boyfriend card will be a whole lot more effective than the lesbian card.
With the lesbian card:
Boy: Hey, this is going to sound a little weird, but I find you really attractive and I was wondering if you’d like to go out sometime… There’s this great little place—
Me: I’m a lesbian.
Boy: (Boy’s eyes light up) Really now?
With the boyfriend card:
Boy: Want to grab a drink sometime?
Me: I only do that with my boyfriend.Boy: There’s this great new movie coming this weekend…
Me: Oh, [movie title]? I’m seeing it with my boyfriend Saturday.Boy: Can I have your phone number?
Me: My boyfriend doesn’t like it when strange men call me.
GENIUS, I tell you! And because I do not advocate lying: just go out with your “boyfriend” for drinks and a movie over the weekend so that you can face Nice Guy Who Is Interested In You with a clear conscience the next time you see him. It is fail-proof.
Next up: How To Bribe Your Male Friends Into Being Your “Boyfriend” Without Getting Murdered By Their Girlfriends and Wives, Another How-To Guide By Chanel. You won’t want to miss this one!
I like this fictional-boyfriend plan! Or maybe just get myself a gay boyfriend.
Reply: That works too! Probably easier, as well.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:53 pmI LOVE this, so funny! I don’t know why it wouldn’t work!
Reply: Glad you enjoyed it! :)
October 31st, 2008 at 2:17 pmI hate to burst your bubble, but it doesn’t work.
Even when the guy actually sees you with your boyfriend (or “boyfriend”), he’ll still try it on.
Although, this could just be because I attract idiots who are delusional enough to think I’ll dump my boyfriend for them.
Carry on!
Reply: I was thinking of that too… so I think the solution is to pull the boyfriend card on the nice ones who won’t push it further than that, and just give a flat out no (maybe even accompanied by a why) to the delusional idiots. Problem solved?
October 31st, 2008 at 3:16 pmI’ve played the lesbian card! That’s my favorite card.
Reply: Hahaha. I haven’t yet, although I may one day just to see what kind of a reaction it gets!
October 31st, 2008 at 3:42 pmHaha.. I’ve said that to the few guys who asked me out (and fortunately it was just strangers), its always worked for me, they pretty much give up immediately/leave me alone.
Although one time this guy did continue to say that he’ll take out my boy/girlfriend as well…. that was odd T_T
Reply: Have you really? Awesome! You can be our first testimonial. :D
October 31st, 2008 at 4:43 pmAnd also, about the guy inviting your S/O… that is weird. And creepy. And just strange.
This made me smile. I was having a rather boring Halloween at this point. Sittting in, on bed socks on, watching non-Halloween films in the attempt to make me feel better about myself.
Anyway, friends plans had gone to pot and feeling in a thoughtfull/reading type mood. Came to ChanelWood.com.
You made me smile, thank you =)
Reply: Awww, I’m glad you came here and that it cheered you up! :)
October 31st, 2008 at 5:20 pmI tend to prefer the blunt approach: “Yeah, I kinda just find you heaps unattractive, and would probably throw up if I had to look at you 24/7. Thanks though!” :P
Reply: Hahaha Amanda! You’ve got guts, I’ll give you that. :D … There is no way I’d be able to say that with a straight face to anyone—it may have ease, but it still lacks grace! :)
November 1st, 2008 at 3:24 amUnfortunately having a boyfriend has never prevented unwanted advances for me … hahaha. And sometimes the lesbian card just encourages them more. Oh, the tough lives we women live … lol.
Reply: No kidding eh? Its unfortunate the boyfriend card hasn’t worked for you though. :( … I suppose I must strive for a new solution for when the boyfriend card doesn’t work!
November 2nd, 2008 at 6:23 pmHaha. Looking forward to part two!
Usually, I just mention that I have a kidlet and most guys are not down with trying to take on more responsibility. Guys just shrug when you mention that you are married. Crazy old world.
Reply: Hahaha oh my, I can just picture that Erin!
November 3rd, 2008 at 11:56 amI agree, you should try the “oh, I have a toddler at home” tactic!
November 4th, 2008 at 7:21 pmI just introduce the – My best friend is a guy and we’re getting married if we’re both single by the time we’re 32 – card and they back off.
Male best friends aren’t allowed or wanted, apparently!!
Works a charm.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:46 pm