My dad (the very same one who wanted me to tell my readers he was “dead, or something”) has always preferred to have fish as pets over any other animal. Don’t ask me why. Personally, I prefer to have pets that won’t be assisting the devil in eradicating the human race during the apocalypse, but that’s just me.
A couple weeks ago, my dad’s outdoor fishpond was raided. He had about eight fat, orange goldfish in it. One morning, he woke up to check on his pond, only to find the headless bodies of every single one of his goldfish strewn all across our patio.
That’s right. HEADLESS GOLDFISH. ALL OVER OUR PATIO.
Are you reading this before bed? So sorry. Maybe you should listen to this instead:
In case you’re wondering, the only reason I’m here writing instead of sitting in therapy right now is because I didn’t actually see these headless goldfish at the time. Unfortunately, my dad missed one headless goldfish which had fallen behind the pool, and I had the great misfortune of noticing it when I went outside with my tray of grapefruit a week later.
(Needless to say, I couldn’t finish that tray of goldfish-colored fruit.)
We know for a fact that raccoons were responsible for this mass murder. Specifically, the two raccoons who are always in our yard at inappropriate times, driving our dog nuts just as we’re about to enter the deepest level of sleep around 4 a.m.
Have you ever wanted to see the face of a mass murderer? Here you go:
Look, don’t be fooled by their big eyes, chocolate button nose, long whiskers and teeny paws. Raccoons are cute, but they’re also jerks. They have no sense of decency. Who steals someone’s pets, noms off their heads and leaves the rest behind for the pet owner to dispose of? RACCOONS, THAT’S WHO. Heartless wankers.
Among my many talents, I can also speak Raccoon. Here’s what transpired between the three of us while I was busy taking photos of them…
Raccoon 1: “What is she doing?”
Raccoon 2: “Beats me. What’s that thing she’s pointing at us? Think it’s dangerous?”
I kept taking pictures until the leader of the troublemaking duo, George, started getting snippy with me. He was mumbling something about having to call his agent about an unsolicited photoshoot until I shut him up good with a HELLO JERKFACE, YOU ARE ON MY PRIVATE PROPERTY SO I CAN SHOOT YOU ALL I WANT, KTHXBYE. I don’t think he was too happy with my response though, because he began to climb down the tree, puffing up and hissing at me as if he was going to come down and kick my ass.
Hehehehe, do you think I’m scared?
(I went inside and googled if a raccoon had ever attacked a human a human before, just in case. Then I came back out. You can never be too safe.)
Raccoon 1 to raccoon 2: “Fred, I’m outta here. This is totally not what I signed up for when I agreed to stay up all day with you.”
Fred and George were not available for further comment.