How to get bit by your own dog in three easy steps: Another extremely helpful how-to guide by Chanel Wood. (Now with pictures!)
Welcome to another edition of How to (do anything)! In today’s lesson, we will be learning the fine art of getting bit by your own dog and cultivating the full effects of the bleeding wounds and subsequent bruising.
SKILL LEVEL: EASY
You will need:
One 15 pound dog.
For optimal results, select a male dog. Preferably one that failed puppy kindergarten.
STEP ONE: Walk your dog in a crowded public place. Wait for a large dog to approach.
STEP TWO: When your dog challenges the larger dog to a fight, put your knee up as a barrier to block your dog from sinking his teeth into the larger dog.
STEP THREE: Once your dog’s teeth have made contact with your skin, you have successfully been bit by your own dog. Congratulations! Relish the feeling of success.
NOTE: It may take up to 48 hours for the blood resulting in the ruptured capillaries to collect and begin metabolizing in order to manifest their full effect:
Once your dog bite has metabolized to the desired shades of yellow, red, purple and black, display your battle would with pride.
Bruising will last a couple weeks; the wound will last much longer. Repeat steps 1 and 2 as often as needed.